Grief, for me, is...

...a brain that feels like it's stuffed with cotton, blocking any clear decision-making.

...a deep sense of loneliness -- even when surrounded by lots of love.

...gratefulness for so many good years and good memories

...concern for other people who are grieving the same loss

...inability to think past the right-now

...deep sadness 

...anger over injustices and early loss of life

...guilt for not being totally present for my family

These words don't even come close to the full feeling of grief for me.

I don't know why this go-round of grieving seems so painful... Maybe because it was too soon. Maybe because I wanted to be there when she left... I don't know...

But, I will say this. Though I would give it up in a second if she could be here with me, I am so thankful for the deepened sense of love and connectedness that I feel with her children... I love that we've checked in with each other most every day. I love that my nephew and niece-in-law :-) have called me from their honeymoon to tell me all about it. I love that my nieces have checked in before and after they flew back to NY. I love that Lisa called to say "hey" before she met up with Em and some friends at the zoo. I love that people who love them are reaching out and trying to lighten their load. I love that my other nephew chatted with me via text yesterday for thirty minutes. I love that we are all loving each other through the pain.

Somehow, that makes me think that Laura's not so far away after all.