Hey Laur...

I want to talk to you. There are many people I love and many people I'm happy to talk to, but they are not you. I miss you.

Every day.

Love you.
-chc

Hey Laura,

I'm goin' to New York next week to see Lisa and Emily's play.  Clif's goin' too. Wish you were goin' with me.

The weekend after that, they're going to Leesburg and doin' a show there. The whole town is so excited about it. I can kinda picture how excited you would be if you were there for the show. You know Mrs. Cannon and Miss Dye are really lookin' forward to it. Claire, too...and Judy....and Phil & Anita...and Mary & Tim and all of your Sunday school class and spinnin' class. Mary Celeste's gonna go down for the show, too.

We miss you like crazy. I'm still almost gonna call you every day...

I wonder what heaven is like. Do you and Mama and Papa get to visit? Are there rockin' chairs? Front porches? Hot fudge sundaes?  I bet you're eatin' all kindsa cabbage and good "vesh-tables".... 

Just now, I pictured your excited face.  You know...the one where your eyes get wide and you have that big ol' smile on your face? Love that face! 

I'm so thankful that you're my sister... So thankful that I got to be your "secretary"... that I practically lived with you when Clif was a baby... that we had silly dessert times then and that we did that funny commercial "Welcome to the neighborhood."  I love that you and I were able to travel together a little bit... that you were able to come out to Bellingham...

Pretty much I'm rambling...but I just miss you is all. Wish you were here.

May 21, 2015

Hey Laura,

Today I'm 53. When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about after I remembered it was my birthday was how you used to send me a text first thing on my birthday. But guess what?! Clif left me a text first thing today. :-) Sweet boy.

I have had a pretty good day... Went to counseling 'cause my brain is overflowing with THINGS... good and bad...and just THINGS.  Got out of counseling and had multiple messages from sweet people. Two of my faves were Mrs. Cannon and Miss Dye singing a voicemail message to me and then a song from Emily, too. Talked to Lisa and had a good visit then. She is missin' you -- like we all are -- but has had a little bit better day today than earlier.  Some days just happen to be harder than others... for no obvious reason, it seems. But she and I had a good visit...and I actually talked to Mrs. Cannon and Mrs. Dye... Got some sweet text messages and phone calls from other family... 

Tonight, we're going out for dinner and I'm gonna eat somethin' good...and think of you. 

Sure do wish you were here.  Miss you so much.

Grief, for me, is...

...a brain that feels like it's stuffed with cotton, blocking any clear decision-making.

...a deep sense of loneliness -- even when surrounded by lots of love.

...gratefulness for so many good years and good memories

...concern for other people who are grieving the same loss

...inability to think past the right-now

...deep sadness 

...anger over injustices and early loss of life

...guilt for not being totally present for my family

These words don't even come close to the full feeling of grief for me.

I don't know why this go-round of grieving seems so painful... Maybe because it was too soon. Maybe because I wanted to be there when she left... I don't know...

But, I will say this. Though I would give it up in a second if she could be here with me, I am so thankful for the deepened sense of love and connectedness that I feel with her children... I love that we've checked in with each other most every day. I love that my nephew and niece-in-law :-) have called me from their honeymoon to tell me all about it. I love that my nieces have checked in before and after they flew back to NY. I love that Lisa called to say "hey" before she met up with Em and some friends at the zoo. I love that people who love them are reaching out and trying to lighten their load. I love that my other nephew chatted with me via text yesterday for thirty minutes. I love that we are all loving each other through the pain.

Somehow, that makes me think that Laura's not so far away after all. 

Oh my goodness, Laura! Today I sure do wish you were at home so I could call you. I'm back in Bellingham and trying to get energy enough to get back to "normal life" though "normal" was a while back. I was thinkin' yesterday that now I will have TWO split second thoughts of wanting to call Mama and then wanting to call you and realizing I can't. I don't like that.

Em and Lis are headed back to NY... They've worked hard and I'm sure you would be proud of all that they have done... even if you wish they didn't have to do it.

Clif and Trisha's wedding was beautiful and full of love and fun... You were there, I'm sure. They are now honeymooning in Belize and have felt you there, even. Soakin' up all the adventure that you would have...

Lots of life is continuing to happen. And it is definitely roller-coastery.

So wish you were still here.

I love you.

The real winner

Cancer didn't win.

It didn't make the world warmer and more fun.

It didn't change people's lives with love and hope and courage.

It didn't smile in the midst of difficulties.

It didn't make people laugh and enjoy the simple things.

It didn't inspire people near and far.

Cancer didn't win.

Laura won.

You'll always be in Spin Class!

Hey Laura,

I think you would've liked today.

Lisa, Emily and I went to lunch with Judy and then we went to get pedicures.

Then, as I have been doing for the past few days, I took a nap. Grief can just wear a person out...even if they're not doing anything...

Tonight we all went to Spinning class at the Y, where you probably would have been embarrassed by the attention you got. Your classmates and the CEO of Albany area Y's dedicated one of the spin bikes to you... You got your own nameplate on the bike.

Somebody took pictures. Emily, Lisa and I got to help unveil the nameplate.  A few tears were shed...hugs were passed around... and then we rode bikes while Anita fussed at us to "hydrate!", "crank up that resistance", "stand and climb"... Tim pedaled backwards and did NOT hold onto the handlebars when Anita told him to...

And then afterwards, we all drove to Dawson to eat at San Joes (no, people, it's not misspelled)... and enjoy hangin' with each other.

Sometimes grief is exhausting. Sometimes you don't wanna be with people so much... But sometimes you hang with 'em and realize that you really are thankful for those people... 

You have some good, good friends who are missin' you just like we are... And they are tryin' to figure out how to live without you just like we are. 

We love you.